Hatching a 260 lbs jury question

[Richard Hatch]

My vote is based on one simple criteria - I like to laugh. Make me laugh and you get my vote

But wait, here's how I want you to make me laugh. I am a fan of a TV show called "Whose line is it anyway". And they have a very funny skit called a Hoedown.

I want each of you to re-structure your opening statement in the form of a hoedown. You may use the same talking points if you want or you can highlight something else, that choice is up to you.

To help you out, here's a video of one complete hoedown



And here's a transcript of said Hoedown (in case text helps)

When I started dating, they say "You're insane"
"Wayne, why do you take your date stuffed in a plane?"
Because I know that a girl loves the way I go
And so if the date goes well, guess who'll be yelling "Geronimo!"

Well, I say skydiving's the best way to call it off
When you and your girlfriend have just had enough
And here's how you do it, no, don't think that I'm insane
You get up there, take her 'chute off, and kick her off the plane!

I jumped out of a plane, my parachute, it failed
All the blood rushed from me, my complexion paled
Everywhere you could hear my scared call
Luckily, all my urine broke my fall

I was skydiving when my parachute failed
I couldn't stop, I just sailed and sailed and sailed
But I looked around and I was no dummy
I survived because I landed on Drew Carey's tummy

chorus On Drew Carey's tummy!

If you don't want to answer this question, that's fine too. If all 3 of you don't answer it then  and I'll have to resort to random.org

Congratulations on making it to FTC. Have a good one.

[Nadiya Anderson]

Best. Jury question. Ever.

[Spencer Bledsoe]

Hey Richard! I'm gonna refer to some general game stuff and tie it into my jury speech as well, so I hope that's alright.

Let's sing - I will do this shirtless for you since I know you love it.



Eighteen started out on this exciting game,
One of them died instantly, guess she wasn't sane,
Another girl was found to take her spot,
But if Danielle stayed, surely she'd beat us lot.

I started out in a tribe full of ugly men,
Guess it was like paradise for Richard way back then,
Our blue tribe was officially given the name of Coron,
And clearly one or two of those quitters enjoy being a moron.

They say I can do nothing but win challenges and twerk my coochie,
Just give me that Immunity Necklace and put me on the cover of Gucci,
But I think I am super smart and my game is super brilliant,
My first ally was Jon Misch - look how that one went!

I don't know why some think that my strategic game is just a lie,
I stuck with my buddy Carter and gave Nadiya a tie.
Surely it was smart of me to push the vote on Coach,
I always just refused to die like a nasty little cockroach.

My haters think that thousands of pre-game alliances I had,
But really, I'm here to tell you that those lies are just sad,
I don't know where you got these crazy ideas, it really should be a crime,
One sec, real-Allie, I'll join you in bed when I finish this rhyme.

I was always at the bottom when I was in Palawan,
Me making it to the end, surely some are stunned,
Really I hate being a bottom, it's not what I like to be,
The only time I was on top, Ashley was right underneath me!

I made a deal with Nadiya to keep both of us safe,
So Ashley kicked me in the balls and it's worse than a bad chafe,
But speaking of her, our incestuous love affair was a lot of fun,
Even though my pale white private parts got burned under the sun.

I want to thank you all for playing this game with me,
I think you should vote for me, and hopefully you agree!
If you don't want to vote for me, it's your loss, oh well,
I want to get more votes than the number of times Jefra said "lel".

[Carter Williams]

When the game got going I was psyched at first glance

I thought "boy I can finally have me a showmance!"

But right off the bat Jeff opened his bag of tricks

And he stuck me on a tribe with nothing but dicks!

From there on out I knew I was fucked

Without any girls I was sure to deconstruct

Luckily, I found myself on a tribe with ol' Richard

And, well, I'll try not to paint too vivid a picture!

On day 3, lucky me, I was offered an alliance by Jon

All while he spoke about sex from dusk until dawn

God forbid, he stuck me in this alliance with an Aussie,

Then dissapeared from my life to go and elope with Frosti! 

I faced many challenges throughout this game,

All while my own father couldn't even remember my name

While I worked to have all my foes' torches extignuished

I HAD to tough it THROUGH hours of BROKEN english (xD)

Some days we rallied to name our tribe Vagina
Other days, I had to deal with being bullied by Erica
It all came down to f5, when I sold Ashley my soul
I had to stay true to my word, I'm not an asshole!

At the end of the day, I tried to keep up my smile

I met some great people that made it worth my while

Rich, Erica, Rudy, Allie, Jef, Gina and Ash were a part of my clique

It's too bad my #1 ally turned out to be an incestuous freak!

I gotta say, I'm working hard for your vote,

I need to prove to the jury I wasn't a goat!

Sure I wasn't the brains, beauty or brawn

But, hey, at least I didn't burn down Palawan!

[Nadiya Anderson]

I made an audio recording for Richard. I don't like to have my voice spread out in public, so I won't be posting the link here, but I sent it to him privately and I'll post the lyrics later.

[Richard Hatch]

Thank you Final 3. I have what I need.

I hope you guys had fun answering this question.

GL to all of you and grats on a game well played.